“When you have to stand up for yourself, you do it” Joanna’s story: Reflections about Chinese New Year, family, and ushering in the new year meaningfully
Chinese New Year marks one of the few times a year where friends and family gather to celebrate against the backdrop of an all-around vibrant and cheery atmosphere. With all the stigma that comes with sex work, how do sexy workers strike a balance between making choices for themselves and finding their place within the family.
We spoke to Joanna, a 56-year-old sex worker who first started sex work after her reassignment surgery, and has now been in the industry for “donkey years”. Hear her reflections on what Chinese New Year and family means to her, and the meaningful life lessons she has gleaned over the years.
Project X: What’s your favourite part about Chinese New Year?
Joanna: I love Chinese New Year, the good vibes, the happiness, many cookies and good food. The family gathers to play cards games or mahjong. It only happens once a year, hence I treasure it.
Before Chinese New Year I like to be well prepared. The vibes must start from before the new year, no arguing, control temper, if people want to quarrel you walk away. It’s a new year, new beginning, you don’t want all these negative things.
Project X: What are some of your Chinese New Year traditions ?
Joanna: I love to cook! I don’t like doing steamboat for Chinese New Year, it’s convenient but I don’t think it’s a reunion dinner.
On the first day of Chinese New Year or reunion dinner, I cook 蒜 (leeks) with roasted pork, fried tofu, with mushrooms and prawns. It’s a must for me to cook that dish, it’s very meaningful. Food is the best way of communicating with family.
Project X: Has the way you experience Chinese New Year changed over the years?
Joanna: During my childhood the Chinese New Year period was like the best time of your life. You’d go from kampung to kampung, eat crackers, collect angpow, get new clothes and eat the best food, it’s nice lah, you know? When you grow up, slowly slowly, the vibes change a bit. Less exciting when you collect less angpao, it’s just a special day for that day only.
Family gatherings used to be warmer but the newer generations don’t really like gathering with the old people, they a bit cold these days. As you get older, fewer people come. People fall sick, people die. When we gather now and connect by talking and laughing about younger times, it’s nice because at least you know people who come into your house are still alive and well.
Project X: Speaking of which, family is such a big part of Chinese New Year! What does family mean to you personally?
Joanna: Every family is different. Some are good at showing love, others don’t know how to express it. I treat everyone equally, as long as you contribute to the household. But even if someone doesn’t contribute, it doesn’t mean they aren’t good, you just give them encouragement.
Personally I stay in the middle. Not very close, not very far away. Everyone grow up already and have their own family. I’m alone so I take care of myself. Too close also cannot, you worry about them, ownself cannot make it then how? Remaining neutral is better.
Project X: Are you afraid about how your family members might view you if they found out about your job?
Joanna: I don’t care at all. Because I helped my family members for things like renovations. Money buys people’s hearts. So far they’ve never disrespected me, They give me full respect actually, since they have a need for me. If they criticise me I can just rebutt “Where do you think my money comes from?”
Even though my generation’s mindset (towards sex work) is very old, you must have a dominant side for yourself. When you have to stand up for yourself you do it.
I’m the one who had the main financial say, so they can’t say anything to me. You let them know who has the power, but you cannot overuse it. Don’t push too hard, just do your duty as a child. As long as you contribute the most, care about the family, whether they appreciate or not appreciate, is not on you.
Project X: What are your thoughts on stigma towards sex workers?
Joanna: From my opinion, you can look down at me or whatever, I don’t care. In the end I need money to feed myself, so why bother about what others think. You’re naive, not me.
Every job is different, sex workers cut down crime rate, because we’re kind of like a therapy session for men, since we fulfil what they want. My job is very holy actually, we help all these men to balance their mentality so they treat their wives and kids better.
Is it unfair for sex workers? In this world nothing is fair. Once you have no money, have to zip your mouth. Cannot keep deluding yourself, same like 赌鬼 (gambling). When you fall into a vicious cycle in life, you do what you have to do to change and find a way out.
Project X: It’s so amazing how you’ve pushed through all these challenges to carve out the best life for yourself! Would you mind sharing some things you’ve learned over the years?
Joanna: Slowly as you get older, you grow wiser. If you still behave the same, its like you 白活 (wasted life).
Every year i have a period where I 总结我自己 (reflect on myself), what I’ve done, what I need to do. If you never think about it, or refuse to change, you will be stuck in the same cycle.
I used to be very short tempered, but as I grew older I thought, what’s the point of getting angry? I thought, should I change my temper, should I be a better person? Now my circle of friends is smaller, but I have more inner peace, less anger, no more 钻牛角尖 (getting stuck in a rut).
Project X: Do you have any words of encouragement for sex workers out there who may struggle with navigating relationships with family?
Joanna: It depends really, since everyone is a different individual. You can’t say that same feathers flock together, as we all have different families and different background. Some families love too much, become controlling, whereas some families are very aggressive.
I’ve been a fighter for 30 over years. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose, sometimes I have a hard time, sometimes I have an easy time. Everything is balanced. When you work hard, you get what you get and vice versa.
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Everybody’s experience with family will differ in one way or another. But while people will always have something to say about us, and we cannot predict the changes each season of life may bring, the only thing we can control is ourselves. It’s up to us to shape our destiny in a way that lets us live the best lives for ourselves, no matter what people may say.
